In my ongoing effort to inform and protect my readers from lingerie lunacy, it’s time, once again, for new additions to the Gallery of Regrettable Underwear. I’m calling this month’s edition “Geek Gear”. I think you’ll find it proves that, if science is involved in lingerie design, it should be kept quiet.
This is really a lovely baby doll. I like the design. The phosphorescent filaments that have been woven into the fabric, however, do give me pause. Do you see where the model is standing in the first picture? Yes…to charge up the “glow in the dark” effect of this little number, you need sunlight. That means either running your errands in your undies, or standing in your picture window in full sunlight. I’m just not that fond of my neighbors. Neither of those options are on my to-do list.
Perfect for spelunking or coal mining, this bra really needs no explanation. Just a promise that, if you wear it, I will laugh at you. Not with you. At you.
Now, this is more like it. It’s pretty. It’s sexy. It’s…what’s that? It has a GPS device sewn into it? Yes. This one is called the “Find Me If You Can” lingerie. The Australian designer thought to add a little hide and seek sort of fun to romance, however, critics are calling it a modern day chastity belt, since the partner can track the wearer wherever she goes. Good news, though, ladies. The GPS unit is wearer controlled.
I can’t leave the men out this month, so here is Posture Underwear for the Gentleman. Equipped with sensors and pistons, the shirt senses when the shoulders slump, and sends out a series of impulses, causing the pistons to provide a reminder of proper alignment of the spine and back. It doesn’t take a drooling dog to figure out that, at least in this shirt, maintaining good posture is less painful than slouching.
This is a bra that doesn’t look like it’s unusual or uncomfortable to wear. You know, of course, I wouldn’t have added it to the Gallery if it didn’t have some unique characteristic. And it does. Introducing, the Horny Bra. Sensors in the bra can tell when your temperature elevates when you see a really hot guy. It attempts to help you attract that guy by inflating the bra one full cup size. Now if I can find the panties that use the same sensors to deflate your butt size, I think I’m ready to hit the clubs!
I leave you this month with one to contemplate. What makes the little goth girl’s underwear so sad? Could it be the chorus of hot guys exclaiming “NO FREAKING WAY!”
“You will rule the heart of a king.” So the fortune teller proclaimed for the nine-year-old, Jeanne Antoinette Poisson in 1730. Even at this tender age, Jeanne already showed evidence of the great beauty, for which she would become reknowned. Her early education, as directed by her mother, included tutors in drama and music, as well as traditional subjects. She became an accomplished actress and singer. She received all the education required to make her the perfect companion to a king. 
Louis XV was a melancholy man, prone to fits of guilt over his excesses and infidelities. By all accounts, he loved his Polish queen, Maria Lesczcynska, but, although she bore him 11 children, she alone, could not satisfy his appetites. The queen accepted the inevitable parade of official mistresses. Louis met Jeanne at a masked ball at the palace in 1745. She had dressed as a shepherdess, and, inexplicably, he was disguised as a tree. Within the month, Louis had installed her in apartments in the palace, and she became his official mistress. Because she was a commoner, she could not be presented at court. Louis purchased the marquisate of Pompadour in August, 1745, and gifted the lands, title and coat of arms to Jeanne, making her the Marquise de Pompadour.
Although, contrary to opinion at the time, she had no real political influence over the king, she certainly held a powerful control over the French court. She enthralled the king by putting on plays and musicales in which she performed, while portraying the King as a god. He found her efforts both flattering, and amusing. She accompanied him on hunting trips, property tours and to card parties, all activities that most ladies of the court avoided. Pompadour’s success as the King’s mistress was due in large part to her alliances. The Queen had been snubbed by Louis’s previous mistresses, but the Pompadour treated her with respect and dignity, establishing a cordial relationship with Marie. This eased the King’s guilt and allowed him to maintain a strong relationship with his children.